I have been doing a tonne of thinking lately about what is healthy and weight loss and this whole game of life really. When I said before I like change it’s because it usually heralds good things for me. When I get the urge to change things a lot it’s because I feel something is out of whack in my life and here I am, all over again. Change ahoy.
When I was thinking about why the gym and weight watchers just weren’t working for me I started thinking about my life as a whole. I’ve worked my butt off for what is now a successful career, one that I enjoy (however stressful it may be right now!), a happy relationship in full honeymoon mode, a son who is beautiful inside (and out but then I’m biased) and happy in his life and adventures to come and whom I could not be prouder of. The only thing in my life making me unhappy I always thought was my weight, but I began to think and reflect more on that and it hit me in one of those gut flipping moments in life where I realised I had it all backwards. It wasn’t my weight that was bothering me, it was weight loss.
I’ve been known to say that I’m not motivated to lose weight because I don’t hate myself enough, maybe I just shouldn’t focus on losing weight then.
If you’ve been following my instagram you’ll have some idea of what I’m talking about. This week I made the decision that my dieting days were over. Kaput. I will not be following another diet for the foreseeable future (I’ll never say never but I hope never). Now, I’ll admit, I’ve tried this before but I was still so attached to the numbers at that point that it didn’t last, right now I don’t care if I lose another pound of weight. I want to be healthier, fitter but I don’t really care if I’m thinner. I’ve decided to love myself now not when I can fit back in to that dress. I’ve even changed my bio. It must be serious.
And oh my goodness did I know about all the stuff in my closet that just didn’t fit anymore. Some too big, some too small, some just wrong for my body, but all of them clogging up my life and acting like a massive pressure to count the numbers and see my body change and get smaller. So I spent two days purging my closet for the good of charity shop shoppers of Nottingham. It made me reflect heavily on my attitude to clothing and my body. So many of those outfits in that closet were panic buys for weekends out and events I needed to attend, places I needed something to make me feel good. So many of them with labels still on because they never fitted. They had been screaming failure at me every time I opened my wardrobe. Now it says whatever you put on will fit you. God knows how much money I have spent trying to improve my self esteem through clothing. It didn’t work out too well that’s for sure.
I can’t be the only one out there who has bought a selection of outfits for a night out and thought, “oh, I’ll keep that until I’m thin enough to wear it cause it’s cute”. That can’t be just me surely?
One thing I know for sure was as I bagged up those clothes, and took them to the charity shops I felt an enormous weight lift from my shoulders. I began to feel emotionally lighter. The self inflicted stress and internalized pressure I had placed on myself to be thinner, to be prettier (cause thin = pretty right), just started to dissipate. I just started to think about the now and think about the amazing things I can do with my future that don’t involve me being thin but just involve me being me and doing the stuff I want to do anyway.
I am so excited to live my life without obsessive weigh ins, and seeking loss, who in their right mind looks for loss in their life?! Right now I’m looking to fill my life with adventure, love and positivity, I can’t wait to live my life without worrying about if I’m eating too many carbs today or whether my appetite is bigger than normal, or did that poo take a half a pound off my weigh in.
So I have to change the habit of a lifetime and start treating my body like my best friend and not someone I’m at war with. Nourish it properly when it’s hungry, move it often, do things I enjoy and stretch my fears to join in rather than opt out because of my size.